How Feelings Like Guilt and Shame Can Affect Us

Many of us are familiar with guilt and shame, even if we don’t always name them.

Guilt often sounds like: “I did something wrong.”

Shame goes deeper: “There is something wrong with me.”

Guilt is an emotion about behaviour. It can bring feelings of remorse, regret, a wish to repair, and anxiety about consequences. Healthy guilt can be constructive because it encourages empathy and accountability.

Shame, in contrast, is a deeply painful emotion because it involves a sense of exposure and inadequacy. We experience shame when we feel ourselves to be wrong. Shame is isolating and often unspoken. The word comes from Old English, meaning “to cover,” highlighting the connection between shame and the desire to hide or conceal oneself.

Shame says: “I am bad.” “I am damaged.” “I am exposed.” It attacks identity rather than behaviour. It can make us feel small or inferior, highly sensitive to criticism, and bring a wish to disappear. Shame may also be masked as anger, withdrawal, arrogance, or perfectionism.

Often, we experience guilt and shame at the same time. For example, you hurt a friend. Guilt says: “I shouldn’t have said that.” Shame says: “I’m a terrible person.” One focuses on the mistake, and the other attacks who you are. Trauma survivors, for example, may feel shame about what happened and guilt for surviving.

Together, guilt and shame can contribute to depression, anxiety, low self-worth, and self-destructive behaviours.

Over time, these feelings can shape how we relate to others and to ourselves. You might notice a harsh inner critic that is never satisfied, difficulty setting boundaries, feeling responsible for other people’s emotions, avoiding conflict for fear of disapproval, or striving for perfection.

Many of us carry shame and guilt quietly into our relationships. Guilt might sound like: “I shouldn’t have said that,” or “I have let them down.” Shame sounds more like: “I’m too much.” “I’m not enough.” “If they really knew me, they wouldn’t stay.”

Often, these feelings have roots in earlier experiences: family dynamics (especially parental criticism or comparison), school environments, cultural expectations, or moments when we felt judged, misunderstood, or unseen. Even when those situations are long past, their emotional impact can remain.

Artists have long tried to capture the painful experience of shame and guilt.

Edvard Munch: Ashes (1894)

In this painting, a woman stands upright, while a man crouches beside her, his head in his hands. The emotional imbalance is evident. The man appears preoccupied with remorse or despair, and the woman seems distant.

Munch captures what can follow shame: the way it can make us shrink, hide, or turn inward. Shame often has a relational quality: it is felt in the presence, real or imagined, of another person. It can create distance even when both people long for closeness.

Rembrandt: The Return of the Prodigal Son (1669)

Here we see something different. A son returns after making mistakes. He kneels, unsure and humbled, while his father rests his hands gently on his back. This image reminds us that guilt does not have to lead to rejection. When mistakes are met with compassion, something can soften. Relationships can be repaired.

Guilt and shame often develop in relationships, and they are also healed in relationships. In psychodynamic therapy, we might explore together where these feelings first began and how you learned to cope, perhaps by pleasing others, staying quiet, striving to be perfect, or withdrawing.

We also pay attention not only to your past but to what is happening in the present. If you feel worried about disappointing others or anxious about saying the wrong thing, that, too, becomes part of the work. Instead of being judged or dismissed, these feelings are explored with care.

Over time, shame often loses some of its power when it can be spoken about openly in a safe space. Feelings that once seemed overwhelming or confusing begin to make sense. Guilt, too, can be understood more clearly and uncover responsibilities that were never yours to carry.

The aim is not to completely erase guilt or shame, but to loosen their grip so they no longer quietly run your life.